The Good and Bad of Being Nervous

You know that nervous feeling you get when you are about to try something new? When you are nervous but excited at the same time because what you are about to do could lead to something great? I’ve had that feeling when I was about to start college and when I started my first full-time job after I graduated. It’s a good kind of nervous.

Then there’s the bad kind of nervous, where you aren’t excited at all. In fact you are dreading it. You want to delay whatever it is as long as possible. Public speaking comes to mind, at least for me.

When I found out I was pregnant with my son it was definitely the good kind of nervous. I was a little terrified about being completely responsible for another human being, but I couldn’t wait to meet him. When they did sonograms or listened for his heartbeat I would get more and more excited.

I went on leave from my job as an auditor about a week and half before my due date. I had planned to work up until a few days before my due date but I couldn’t do it anymore. I was so tired and had to rest after everything. I took a shower, I had to rest. I walked to the bathroom, I had to rest. I walked back to the bathroom, I had to rest. My mom sent me a text message asking how I was feeling. I sent her a picture of turtle stuck on its back that I’d found on the internet. She laughed.

I went into labor in the middle of the night a few days before my due date. Twenty two hours later my son was born. He was so little and sweet and I loved him instantly. I spent my days feeding, changing, and snuggling him and taking tons of pictures. I was tired from being up multiple times in the night, but it was worth it.

Then in what seemed like a blink of an eye, my leave from work was almost over, and I would need to go back to my auditing job. I would need to find a daycare for my sweet 3 month old little boy. I could feel the bad kind of nervous developing. He was so tiny and helpless. How could I leave him with people I didn’t know?

My husband and I discussed it.  We decided we were in a good place financially. I would quit my job and be a stay at home mom for a year. When that year was up I’d start looking for a new job in the accounting field. A weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Before I knew it, a year had passed. My tiny baby had grown into a happy toddler. I started applying for jobs. I had a few interviews, but no job offers. Then things changed one day when I was having lunch with two of my old co-workers.

“We have an opening. They said I could tell you guys to see if either of you are interested.” she said.

I said I was interested and I would definitely apply when I saw the job posting. The next thing I knew I was sending in my resume and transcripts. I went in for an interview and must not have said anything too stupid because they offered me the job. I accepted. I would start the next month after the busy season was over.

I knew I should be excited but I felt very ambivalent about it. I started to get ready to go back to work. I bought a day planner and a new alarm clock. I gathered up coffee mugs, a candy bowl, a blanket, and my diplomas and put them in a box so I could put them in my new cubicle.

The week before I was supposed to start my new job it snowed. And snowed. And snowed. The previous record for the most snowfall was broken. I tried to go to the store and my little car got stuck in the driveway. People were calling it the “snowpocalypse” on Facebook. I was secretly hoping it would keep snowing and I could call and ask to delay my start date until the driving conditions improved. But the snow turned to rain and even though flooding was a possibility, there was a good chance I would be able to make it to work.

The day came for me to start my new job. I only hit snooze on my alarm twice. I got up and got dressed. I loaded everything into the car. I went into my son’s room. He was sleeping so peacefully in his crib but I had to wake him up. I rubbed his back and he started to wiggle around a little.

“It’s time to wake up sweetie.”

“No!” he said. But he rolled over and stood up anyway. I got him dressed, put his shoes on, strapped him into his car seat, and loaded him into the car.

“Here we go little man. You are going to go to daycare and I’m going to go start my new job.”

I backed out of the garage and down the driveway, silently hoping I would get stuck again like I had the week before, but I didn’t. I drove to the daycare. Somewhere along the way I started crying. I parked the car in the daycare parking lot, turned off the engine and got out. I opened the back door, but instead of getting my son out of the car seat I sat down next to it, shut the door, and cried some more. I no longer felt ambivalent about starting my new job. It was now extremely obvious that this was the bad kind of nervous.

“I don’t think I can do this” I said in text message to my husband.

“It’s ok. You don’t have to go.” He replied.

I looked at my son who had been sitting very patiently in his car seat. He had a concerned look on his face because I was crying.

“Do you want to go home sweet boy?” I asked.

“Home” he said.

“Ok, let’s go home.” I got back in the driver’s seat and drove home.

I called and told my almost boss that I wasn’t coming. I wasn’t ready to go back to work after all. He was very gracious and offered to let me have some more time to think about it. But my mind was made up.

“Well now what?” I thought to myself. “There has to be a way I can make money from home right?”

So I did what anyone my age would do and googled it. I was pleasantly surprised at how many articles came up. I jotted down notes about “legitimate ways to make money from home.” Starting a blog was at the top of my list, followed by opening an Etsy shop.

So here I go. I don’t know if having a blog or starting my own shop on Etsy will work or not. But I’m going to give it a try. I’m nervous about it. But it’s definitely the good kind of nervous.

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